"We" are not in a great condition, no doubt about that.
Friends have often pointed out that it may be emotional hardship, depression, being unhappy...call it whatever you want...and there may be some truth to that.
People can suffer for a long time and be okay, but not forever....thats how I see it at least. All I know is that for a while life has been throwing bad things at me and now I'm struggling to fight them off.
I'm defintely an optimist, and that is also why I don't like using the word depression. I guess I'm just unfortunate. Of course life is what we make out of it, but you can make really good looking choices one day, and then later on they turn on you, if that makes sense.
I don't know many things..but what I do know is that being happy and being me is so important to me. I'm the type of person that wants to enjoy life as much as possible, now. Not when I retire, not when I have made a ton of money. But I also do know that things don't work this way and a happy medium is hard to do.
Anyhow, when left alone, I am who I want to be, when influenced by others, I get unhappy trying to fit somewhere I don't belong. Let me give you one example - I worked in Business, which is fast pace and competitive and you have to be able to step up if needed to, deal with a million of assholes everyday.
But I am a quiet, introverted person, I don't like dealing with too many people, I don't like to be a bitch I just want to be quiet and nice and enjoy myself, give my attention to good people that deserve it.
That is just NOT a good combination for Business, or most jobs for that matter.
But going back to 2003, my life looked like this:
I was 20, had gotten out of a ill relationship and tried to make good use of my time. Thats when I started getting into Medieval Reenactment, it is quite big in Germany. Thanks to this wonderful hobby I met so many interesting people and saw many interesting places. Like I said, I am introverted, but that is nothing like "shy", so I chose to come out of my shell and interact with these people because they were so much more interesting than the average fart. After a while I had estbalished quite a network, many knew and liked me and I just enjoyed the time at the fairs, the peace I felt when sitting in a medieval camp, by fire, everyone dressed up in garb, drinking, laughing, talking...the weather could not harm us, although it was far from luxury, hard to describe but it was a great get away.
In the meantime I was registering for Business College, while still pursuing my dream of being an Artist on the side. I had just started an interesting Story about the Vikings, thats what I was reenacting too ;)
My boyfriend at the time, who I met on the fairs was also very passionate about that type of hobby and together we traveled and did many interesting things.
Most of my friends enjoyed the same music, it is very important to me to share that with someone. And before anyone assumes, part of being goth is being depressed, well that is just wrong, being like that makes me happy, not the other way. The more I try not to be the more unhappy I get.
Anyhow, my life changed...at first I lived in Military Housing with my husband, which was not all too bad, I still had my friends and family close by, the town was larger but still nice and my Medieval Reenactment was going really well, just before he got deployed to Iraq I was the Chief of my own Reenactment Group and in charge of roughly 35 people.
As soon as he got back we had to move to the States, I was thrown into a completely different life...with a completely different husband too it seems, Iraq changed people. I was the first to find a job and from then on I started traveling to the city everyday, 5 hours commute, no idea of the people and their mentality, other customs, hell I did not even know what Skittles were.
Well, and thats how I have been 'living' for the past couple of years now....not.
And you know what happened then, I got sick and sicker...sickest. I felt weak and shitty all over and like nothing in this world could make me feel better. I had no emotional support, I was a bother...so the longer I was sick, the more I realized I would have to be facing this myself pretty much.
Seems like a whole different year for now, I had to get up and take care of myself. My illness is being treated and I am feeling better every month, I am taking care of myself, I read and learn about my conditions, I drive myself to the Doctors and don't bother anyone with anything. Plus, I finally started going out once in a while with friends and got myself a hobby here, also Medieval Reenactment, just the US Version.
I guess in the end my goal is to be healthy, happy and independent, I might even get out of the business field. All I can say for now is that I have picked up drawing comics books again where I left off 2004. :)