me, myself and i

me, myself and i....
"We" are not in a great condition, no doubt about that.

Friends have often pointed out that it may be emotional hardship, depression, being unhappy...call it whatever you want...and there may be some truth to that.

People can suffer for a long time and be okay, but not forever....thats how I see it at least. All I know is that for a while life has been throwing bad things at me and now I'm struggling to fight them off.
I'm defintely an optimist, and that is also why I don't like using the word depression. I guess I'm just unfortunate. Of course life is what we make out of it, but you can make really good looking choices one day, and then later on they turn on you, if that makes sense.

I guess I don't need much to be happy, but maybe what I'm asking for is too specific. Maybe it is because of the person I am, the things I like are not generally what others like. They are "weird" to many others in one way or another. I definetly don't want to change though, I enjoy all these things and I'm happy this way. I think that many other people have bland lifes...not for me.
I don't know many things..but what I do know is that being happy and being me is so important to me. I'm the type of person that wants to enjoy life as much as possible, now. Not when I retire, not when I have made a ton of money. But I also do know that things don't work this way and a happy medium is hard to do.

Anyhow, when left alone, I am who I want to be, when influenced by others, I get unhappy trying to fit somewhere I don't belong. Let me give you one example - I worked in Business, which is fast pace and competitive and you have to be able to step up if needed to, deal with a million of assholes everyday.
But I am a quiet, introverted person, I don't like dealing with too many people, I don't like to be a bitch I just want to be quiet and nice and enjoy myself,  give my attention to good people that deserve it.
That is just NOT a good combination for Business, or most jobs for that matter.

What did I want to do?? Well, my first dream of a career was being a Comic Book Artist....just getting my own little stories on paper. I have a very vivid fantasy ^^. But thats not a gurantee for sucess and it does not feed you in the meantime, so I gave up on it years ago. I also broke my wrist in a complicated way then so I had a good reason to stop.

But going back to 2003, my life looked like this:
I was 20, had gotten out of a ill relationship and tried to make good use of my time. Thats when I started getting into Medieval Reenactment, it is quite big in Germany. Thanks to this wonderful hobby I met so many interesting people and saw many interesting places. Like I said, I am introverted, but that is nothing like "shy", so I chose to come out of my shell and interact with these people because they were so much more interesting than the average fart. After a while I had estbalished quite a network, many knew and liked me and I just enjoyed the time at the fairs, the peace I felt when sitting in a medieval camp, by fire, everyone dressed up in garb, drinking, laughing, talking...the weather could not harm us, although it was far from luxury, hard to describe but it was a great get away.
In the meantime I was registering for Business College, while still pursuing my dream of being an Artist on the side. I had just started an interesting Story about the Vikings, thats what I was reenacting too ;)
My boyfriend at the time, who I met on the fairs was also very passionate about that type of hobby and together we traveled and did many interesting things.
Aside from that big part, I was living with my parents and younger sister, in the little house they had just bought a few years ago. Very small German Town (8000 ppl), full of medieval mysteries, a castle, medieval cemitaries, houses dating back as far as 1200 and lots of free landscape, forest, field, river..everything was nearby and when I needed to get out I usually went to one of those peaceful places and listened to some music. The big city (Frankfurt am Main) was closeby and I loved exploring that also.
Most of my friends enjoyed the same music, it is very important to me to share that with someone. And before anyone assumes, part of being goth is being depressed, well that is just wrong, being like that makes me happy, not the other way. The more I try not to be the more unhappy I get.

Anyhow, my life changed...at first I lived in Military Housing with my husband, which was not all too bad, I still had my friends and family close by, the town was larger but still nice and my Medieval Reenactment was going really well, just before he got deployed to Iraq I was the Chief of my own Reenactment Group and in charge of roughly 35 people.
As soon as he got back we had to move to the States, I was thrown into a completely different life...with a completely different husband too it seems, Iraq changed people. I was the first to find a job and from then on I started traveling to the city everyday, 5 hours commute, no idea of the people and their mentality, other customs, hell I did not even know what Skittles were.
But I managed somehow, it was hard and private problems made it harder. I missed my family and my country terribly, I missed all the things I enjoyed doing. I seemed to be unable to find friends, at least some that where on the same page, admittedly I'm a bit picky too. I spent most of my time at home really, using the internet to stay in touch with friends and family, particpated in other social networks.

Well, and thats how I have been 'living' for the past couple of years now....not.

And you know what happened then, I got sick and sicker...sickest. I felt weak and shitty all over and like nothing in this world could make me feel better. I had no emotional support, I was a bother...so the longer I was sick, the more I realized I would have to be facing this myself pretty much.

2010
Seems like a whole different year for now, I had to get up and take care of myself. My illness is being treated and I am feeling better every month, I am taking care of myself, I read and learn about my conditions, I drive myself to the Doctors and don't bother anyone with anything. Plus, I finally started going out once in a while with friends and got myself a hobby here, also Medieval Reenactment, just the US Version.

I guess in the end my goal is to be healthy, happy and independent, I might even get out of the business field. All I can say for now is that I have picked up drawing comics books again where I left off 2004. :)



6 comments:

  1. Mag deine Post's gerne. auch wenns schwierig fällt (für mich) alles zu verstehen :)
    Trotzdem, viel Spaß beim Comic zeichnen!

    Freut mich, dass es dir drüben jetzt viel besser geht!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is there any possibility that you could move back to Germany with your husband? I think it would really help you to be around some support, after this last year.

    You're a talented illustrator! It would be great if you could find work in that area. Business and retail and all of that eats away at your soul.

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  3. I can only imagine what a big transition that was moving to the US. My husband and I have talked about moving to Denmark one day so then I may be able to relate more. It would be like a whole other world. New language, new customs, etc. I havent really been sure of the career I have chose so far either in nursing. I havent even been sure about going back to school to go further in nursing. I can say I am happy with my husband, but just not sure about what I want in life sometimes. Im still learning new things about myself. I hope you stay happy and wish you the best of health. You are a talented artist! :) I think with the right direction, you could really make it with your drawing.

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  4. Emi,

    You are truly a unique soul & should never give that up for anyone. I've been through what you have in a sense that I've struggled with being unique in a world where the vast majority is all to much the same. If you change yourself to suit other people's needs you will be living a very false, plain & painful life. Your world will seem very very gray where it was once full of vibrant color.

    Being your self & remaining true to what's right for you can be difficult but in the end it is far more painful to give yourself up because of others. Follow what calls to your heart & soul. Buried deep inside yourself is the secret to living the best life for you. Follow those urges & yearnings.

    As for independence, it is a hard but necessary thing to learn. My ex-husband was US Army and I can tell you that after those men witness some truly horrible things they have a really different view on life & they can't really go back. Things that were once important to them are now small & meaningless compared to what they went through. If he's willing to seek therapy because he wants to compromise & make the relationship work than good for you but unfortunately it's not always that easy. If you can live with a relationship where you're both always on two different mental & emotional levels than you're a strong woman but it may mean stepping away from things if he won't compromise & you need to be with a partner who considers your needs as well. War changes people. It's unfortunate & sad but it happens. That's why there are many, many divorced military men & women. Their once sensitive hearts are hardened by war.
    My ex & I didn't stop loving each other but rather we no longer had the same goals, paths or values.
    Figure out what's best for you because you need to love yourself & be there for yourself before anyone else.

    Good luck with everything!

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's been a while now since you wrote this. How are you feeling now?

    You do have skills when it comes to illustrations. You could set up your own account at deviantart to get noticed. Many aspiring artists do and those with talent often get picked up because of it.

    As for happiness, that's hard. lets not forget you have a lot on your plate. Moving to the US, your husband coming back from Iraq, getting ill...I mean that's a lot to take in. No wonder you feel lost sometimes. Who wouldn't be in those circumstances?

    You're very brave to have taken the plunge. I can name plenty of people who wouldn't dare in their wildest dreams.

    A lot of times, people just want you around to hang out or be your shop buddy. Or they want you to nod at the right times when they tell their stories. Real friends are a rare breed indeed. I always laugh at people who have tons of people listed as friends on facebook AND consider them to be that. I can't help but wonder how many of them will be left when bad stuff starts happening.

    I wish you the best of luck. I'm just another virtual anonymous, I guess, but I do mean it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Everyone!

    I appreciate all your answers :)

    The internet is the internet...but real people sit behind their PC's and write what they feel. So I see it as that....and i present myself on the web, trying to show who I truly am. I hope it gets perceived this way.

    As for my life...dealing with the changes has been crazy. I can not even tell half of the story here yet, just know A LOT is happening for me right now.

    I am running from my old life, I want a new one. This is not easy to do. I feel positive though and I am getting more healthy every day. I have also made a couple of friends lately...I don't know what it is but everything seems to fall into place.

    I will write more again soon, I'm already working on new videos etc. again, just needed some time to myself :)

    Emi

    ReplyDelete

 

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Emi

Emi
34 year old mom of 2 boys from Frankfurt Germany

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