birth

When I was way past due, we went for a last bumpy bus ride to San Diego. I was even joking that maybe the bus will bring on real contractions.
But it didn't and so I moved my heavily pregnant body into the lobby of Mary Birch Hospital. "Are you scheduled for induction?" the lady asked me, and I responded quietly "no, just an NST..."

I was hooked up to a monitor and we heard the heartbeat of my little boy, that was apparently very sleepy and did not kick much. Everything was well and the nurse told me I will be able to go home soon.
We laughed about our stubborn baby teasing us for so long and took pictures.

When suddenly, my baby was kicking so hard, he was hurting me. I froze, because he had moved in such a weird manner. I was staring at the monitor, when I suddenly noticed in horror that the heartbeat was dropping extremely fast. An alarm went off and the nurse came running into the room. She made me turn on my side while she adjusted the belt, looking for the heartbeat. She found it but it was still somewhat on the lower side. She said "You are not going home today, you will have this baby now." I was trying not to panic,and told myself that I will be in for induction and labor.


She left to prepare everything. I was still staring at the monitor when the heartbeat dropped yet again, I told my fiance to get help and at the same time I was shouting for the nurses "the heartbeat is dropping again!"...My fiance ran out the room and I shouted "It is 80, 75...., it is down to 50!!!" I knew these were dangerous numbers, as a normal fetal heartbeat is around 145, and I was in total shock. Then the heartbeat went blank, -----.
A whole team of nurses came running into the room, adjusting the belt, telling me to turn left, right, get on my knees, they found the heartbeat but it was still very low. A nurse told me "you are going to have a c-section", then she yelled "where is the doctor!!? I need Dr. XXX!!" They got me into a chair and rushed me down the hallway, past my very scared looking fiance, right into the Emergency Room, where I was placed onto the surgery table right away and my clothes were torn off.
I was asked my information, while a medical assistant explained that the baby might have his cord wrapped around its neck, that the doctor is on his way, but they may have to start without him. I was very shaky, and I could hardly talk, but I tried to remain calm to make sure I make it as easy as possible for the medical staff to do their work (I have to say they were very nice, and tried to calm me down the best they can)

They searched for the heartbeat again, and while being flat on my back they were able to stabilize it on a more normal number.
When the doctor arrived, he asked me if I still wanted to go ahead and have a c-section, mentioning that we might be able to attempt vaginal birth. I should add that while pregnant I was carefully planning a natural birth without any pain medicine. I was really hoping for it...it is better on the mothers body, hormones, makes breastfeeding (lactation) easier, better for the baby, and I might have shed some abnormal cells from my cervix (remember my pre cancerous condition?).

BUT, at that moment, the most important thing was that my baby gets too live. To me the risk of his heartbeat dropping again during birth was just too big. So I agreed to a c-section without hesitating.
It was started immediately, I was still shaking, the nurses tried to make me feel a little better and asked me questions about Germany, where I am from. A spinal tap was placed, which weirdly did not hurt at all, and I started feeling warm and tingly.

My fiance was brought into the room, he was wearing a mask, but I could see he was terrified. I had never seen him like that. I held his hand, and tried to distract him a bit while the doctors were making their first cut. You don't feel pain, but you do feel something...like touching, tugging and pulling.
A few times they pulled so hard it took my breath away for a moment. After what seemed like 10 mins I heard someone say "congratulations on your beautiful baby boy!". I could not see anything because of the drapes in front of my face, but after a few seconds I heard his tiny little cry. It was hard to realize for me that I just "gave birth"...because a cesarean section is just not like giving birth. You don't feel like you did anything.

They showed my baby to me, he was beautiful, but unreal. He was 6lbs 13oz (3100g) and only 19"(48cm) tall. I was sad I could not hold him right after, because of the emergency situation he had to get a full check up. I told my fiance to stay with him (also to make sure he does not get vaccinated), and I was pushed into recovery.
There I was finally able to hold him. He was much more beautiful than I could have imagined. I guess all mothers say that, but that is truly how I felt. I nursed him for the first time, so he could get his first 'dose' of colostrum (very important). I was still really out of it because of the medication and somewhat in shock, but the little guy knew what to do...it was so funny to see his tiny little newborn self search for milk ^^.

The days at the hospital were exhausting. Not because of the baby, but because of the staff doing constant check ups on us and waking us every time we tried to get some rest -.-.
After the pain killers wore off, I also felt the great pain after the cesarian. I tried to manage with as little meds as possible (surprisingly, I was able to get up the same night I had the surgery and move around though)
Also, the first night I did not sleep at all. I was still worried about Aodhan's heart beat and sat awake the whole night holding him and listening to his heart beat.
I never wanted to give him away even for a moment. The nurses offered to get him so I could get some rest, but I refused.
Instead I kept him in bed with me. There was a bassinet of course...but it just did not make sense to me to place my helpless newborn baby, who wants nothing more than warmth and comfort right now, alone in this plastic bed. Did you know that when babies are placed down they can not know where their mother is? Especially newborns won't even see her when she is near. Also, babies do get afraid when not held. I did not know all that back then and acted on instinct, but I kept him with me at all times.

Now he is 6 months old, and I don't know what I would do without him. Your life clearly changes when you have a baby, but in a very good way. We love being parents. Not having children, you can not really know how it is, you need to experience it for yourself. I know a lot of child less couples who dread not being independent anymore, the screaming, no time for much...but let me tell you it is not bad at all. Of course you have a full time job as a parent, but you will love doing it, because you will love your very own baby more than anything.