losing hair again...

This was to be expected.

Especially with all the raging hormones pregnancy brought upon me. I can vividly imagine all these hormones dropping full force. It caused me sudden, strong hair loss. It started from one day to the other, I was losing actual handfuls.

Soon, my scalp started showing a bit on the sides, then I noticed my temples were almost completely  bald. I dread combing my hair or taking a shower. It seems like whole streaks are coming out, and I get tangled in my own shed hair when taking a shower.Of course it reminds me of the hair loss I experienced late 2009. My hair had just thickened up to a point where I felt it was almost normal (Dec. 2011).

visible thinning, while weirdly, still having a thick ponytail

Anyhow, it could just be postpartum hair loss*, which can get really bad for some women. Or it could be spiked by my issues with the hormone prolactin (my pituitary tumor can keep it raised). Prolactin levels are supposed to drop after delivery, even when breastfeeding, down to around 50 ng/ml.
In pregnancy, when my son was full term (37 weeks), I decided to go off cabergoline, to be able to breastfeed (the drug inhibits lactation and is passed to the baby through the milk).

When my son was born, I had a lot of milk immediately. He was growing so well just from my milk, he was even a bit bigger and heavier than average and is to this day. He never gets sick, even when everyone (including me) is coughing and sneezing around him. And he loves nursing and the closeness, which he shows me by looking into my eyes and smiling. This is why I decided to get off the drug on my own account (no doctor could tell me about pituitary tumors and breastfeeding, because these women mostly don't breastfeed, or only for a short amount of time).

My current hair loss could also be triggered/ spiked/ worsened by my thyroid issues. It never used to cause me hair loss, but who knows. I also quit taking synthroid for my thyroid, a) because of breastfeeding, it is labeled as a safe drug, but I still don't feel great about it, b) I was wondering why the heck I have to take it, when I had never shown any symptoms of a thyroid underfunction (overweight, dry skin, acne, hair loss, brittle hair, fatique). If anything the drug brought some of these symptoms upon me, when I started taking it I was constantly tired, my ends started splitting, I had a mild case of acne and my skin was dry. I was really done with it.

Also, with my pregnancy going so well, I was asking myself if I was really as sick as everyone was telling me. To me it seemed my body was still functioning pretty well, and I was wondering if doctors had overinterpreted my levels, which could have been fluctuating at the time.

Just recently, I had everything tested again.
I explained my medical history, and the doctor suggested my prolactin might still be raised, causing "postpartum alopecia". She said the prolactin may not go down on its own, and could cause me to lose a lot of hair, or even go bald eventually.
She suggested weaning, so I can go back on medication, saying that cabergoline will stop my hair loss just like it did 2010 (it stopped within a week on cabergoline).

I declined.

I won't stop breastfeeding just because I am losing my hair and may continue to lose it. It is sad that I am losing hair again, but it would make me much more sad to stop giving my son whats best for him. Many have said "you already breastfed for a half year, its okay", but I don't want to stop because of my own personal belief that children get a LOT out of long term breastfeeding. It is the most natural thing.

And, very importantly, I could not take it from my son for my own vanity. My hair is not "that" important to me. Important enough to take care of it, but there are situations that make hair far less important. When I only picture his little face, and how he smiles when its is time to nurse, he rolls on his side next to me, and after he is done nursing he is really happy....well it makes me tear up to think I would have to stop. Children get much more out of it than just nutrition.

Long story, short...
I decided to keep an eye on my levels. My results came back and my prolactin seems to be "okay". Not low but decent. I am unsure how to convert the units the doctor used though, so at the moment I can not say how low it is compared to back then. It could still cause hair loss, but we will see. Not much I can do.
My thyroid is working normal right now, close to an overfunction, but still normal. How weird, that I went from an underfunctionto this. I still have high antibodies, typical for Hashimoto's, but at this time the doctor says I will not need medication for any of my problems. What a positive result! Not perfect, but so much better.

Have I thought about possibly having short hair?
Yes, I have thought about the "what if..." and came to the conclusion, that I will wait out the shed (however long it will last), trim if I need to (I already trimmed back to tailbone length), and cut as needed. If I do have to cut, I will keep a straight hemline because it is easier to grow it out again, and I am just not in the mood for layers and all that hair salon nonsense ^^.

BUT, I may not need to cut, or not a lot that is, IF these freaking hormones settle on their own soon :D.

* approx. 3 months after pregnancy/birth your hormone levels drop and eventually regulate, causing hair loss in the mean time.

birth

When I was way past due, we went for a last bumpy bus ride to San Diego. I was even joking that maybe the bus will bring on real contractions.
But it didn't and so I moved my heavily pregnant body into the lobby of Mary Birch Hospital. "Are you scheduled for induction?" the lady asked me, and I responded quietly "no, just an NST..."

I was hooked up to a monitor and we heard the heartbeat of my little boy, that was apparently very sleepy and did not kick much. Everything was well and the nurse told me I will be able to go home soon.
We laughed about our stubborn baby teasing us for so long and took pictures.

When suddenly, my baby was kicking so hard, he was hurting me. I froze, because he had moved in such a weird manner. I was staring at the monitor, when I suddenly noticed in horror that the heartbeat was dropping extremely fast. An alarm went off and the nurse came running into the room. She made me turn on my side while she adjusted the belt, looking for the heartbeat. She found it but it was still somewhat on the lower side. She said "You are not going home today, you will have this baby now." I was trying not to panic,and told myself that I will be in for induction and labor.


She left to prepare everything. I was still staring at the monitor when the heartbeat dropped yet again, I told my fiance to get help and at the same time I was shouting for the nurses "the heartbeat is dropping again!"...My fiance ran out the room and I shouted "It is 80, 75...., it is down to 50!!!" I knew these were dangerous numbers, as a normal fetal heartbeat is around 145, and I was in total shock. Then the heartbeat went blank, -----.
A whole team of nurses came running into the room, adjusting the belt, telling me to turn left, right, get on my knees, they found the heartbeat but it was still very low. A nurse told me "you are going to have a c-section", then she yelled "where is the doctor!!? I need Dr. XXX!!" They got me into a chair and rushed me down the hallway, past my very scared looking fiance, right into the Emergency Room, where I was placed onto the surgery table right away and my clothes were torn off.
I was asked my information, while a medical assistant explained that the baby might have his cord wrapped around its neck, that the doctor is on his way, but they may have to start without him. I was very shaky, and I could hardly talk, but I tried to remain calm to make sure I make it as easy as possible for the medical staff to do their work (I have to say they were very nice, and tried to calm me down the best they can)

They searched for the heartbeat again, and while being flat on my back they were able to stabilize it on a more normal number.
When the doctor arrived, he asked me if I still wanted to go ahead and have a c-section, mentioning that we might be able to attempt vaginal birth. I should add that while pregnant I was carefully planning a natural birth without any pain medicine. I was really hoping for it...it is better on the mothers body, hormones, makes breastfeeding (lactation) easier, better for the baby, and I might have shed some abnormal cells from my cervix (remember my pre cancerous condition?).

BUT, at that moment, the most important thing was that my baby gets too live. To me the risk of his heartbeat dropping again during birth was just too big. So I agreed to a c-section without hesitating.
It was started immediately, I was still shaking, the nurses tried to make me feel a little better and asked me questions about Germany, where I am from. A spinal tap was placed, which weirdly did not hurt at all, and I started feeling warm and tingly.

My fiance was brought into the room, he was wearing a mask, but I could see he was terrified. I had never seen him like that. I held his hand, and tried to distract him a bit while the doctors were making their first cut. You don't feel pain, but you do feel something...like touching, tugging and pulling.
A few times they pulled so hard it took my breath away for a moment. After what seemed like 10 mins I heard someone say "congratulations on your beautiful baby boy!". I could not see anything because of the drapes in front of my face, but after a few seconds I heard his tiny little cry. It was hard to realize for me that I just "gave birth"...because a cesarean section is just not like giving birth. You don't feel like you did anything.

They showed my baby to me, he was beautiful, but unreal. He was 6lbs 13oz (3100g) and only 19"(48cm) tall. I was sad I could not hold him right after, because of the emergency situation he had to get a full check up. I told my fiance to stay with him (also to make sure he does not get vaccinated), and I was pushed into recovery.
There I was finally able to hold him. He was much more beautiful than I could have imagined. I guess all mothers say that, but that is truly how I felt. I nursed him for the first time, so he could get his first 'dose' of colostrum (very important). I was still really out of it because of the medication and somewhat in shock, but the little guy knew what to do...it was so funny to see his tiny little newborn self search for milk ^^.

The days at the hospital were exhausting. Not because of the baby, but because of the staff doing constant check ups on us and waking us every time we tried to get some rest -.-.
After the pain killers wore off, I also felt the great pain after the cesarian. I tried to manage with as little meds as possible (surprisingly, I was able to get up the same night I had the surgery and move around though)
Also, the first night I did not sleep at all. I was still worried about Aodhan's heart beat and sat awake the whole night holding him and listening to his heart beat.
I never wanted to give him away even for a moment. The nurses offered to get him so I could get some rest, but I refused.
Instead I kept him in bed with me. There was a bassinet of course...but it just did not make sense to me to place my helpless newborn baby, who wants nothing more than warmth and comfort right now, alone in this plastic bed. Did you know that when babies are placed down they can not know where their mother is? Especially newborns won't even see her when she is near. Also, babies do get afraid when not held. I did not know all that back then and acted on instinct, but I kept him with me at all times.

Now he is 6 months old, and I don't know what I would do without him. Your life clearly changes when you have a baby, but in a very good way. We love being parents. Not having children, you can not really know how it is, you need to experience it for yourself. I know a lot of child less couples who dread not being independent anymore, the screaming, no time for much...but let me tell you it is not bad at all. Of course you have a full time job as a parent, but you will love doing it, because you will love your very own baby more than anything.

being pregnant

First of all, here is something to all the women that got pregnant unplanned:
A child is always the best thing that can happen to you in life (next to finding true love), and I can tell you WHY -
Some women may not feel blessed at 5, 6, 7, 8 weeks along, maybe because they wanted to wait or they did not even want children in their life...but I guarantee you, the further you advance in your pregnancy the more you will understand how wonderful it is. And when you finally have your baby, you will never want to let him/her go. There is no too young, old, poor...or whatever for a baby. A career, money, a busy life style, parties, does not compare in the slightest bit to the happiness a child will bring into your life.

Anyhow, we were poor. Being pregnant my chances of getting a job were 0. I applied for medicaid and food stamps. My boyfriend made very little money at the time and the government aid really helped us. Especially since I needed special medical care. With my Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Pituitary Tumor and previous LEEP surgery I was considered a 3x high risk pregnancy. It sounded quite scary, Hashimoto's and the Pituitary Tumor can cause miscarriages and developmental problems, and because of the LEEP surgery my cervix could have opened too soon, especially as the baby grows bigger, which can mean bed rest, stitches to your cervix (cerclage) or even a miscarriage or premature birth.
Doctors were interested in my case, the odds of me getting pregnant with all these health issue thingies were supposedly already small, and on top of that the risk of complications very high.

When I found out...

I just couldn't believe that I was really pregnant. During my first ultrasound the doctor said: "And here we have the baby, and this is the heartbeat"...I was only 8 weeks along then, but he already had a tiny little heart.
I had a rough start with 24/7 morning sickness, "all day sickness" for me. I just felt shitty and nauseated every day. But by week 13 it was suddenly gone and my pregnancy got easier every week. My belly was very small at first and everyone kept asking me where my bump was.

My belly started getting bigger around 30 weeks. Throughout the whole pregnancy I loved my bump and dressing it up (I wore my signature belt above the bump instead of around my waist ;). Being pregnant in a hot San Diego Summer was no joke though. I often felt like a whale out of water, especially since we did not have AC. But aside from that my pregnancy was a breeze, I was very active due to us not having a car lol. We walked everywhere, 45 mins were nothing, I was able to do that until the end with a gigantic belly ^^.
Women often say they like the second trimester best, but weirdly for me the third trimester's late weeks were best. Around thirty weeks I would sometimes have days were I was low on energy or my belly hurt, but at 41weeks I felt better than ever, haha.
The only downside was the huge belly, that sometimes made it a bit hard to get out of bed 7 times a night to pee, and yeah...you guessed it, my baby was really pushing on my bladder and it never felt truly empty (If you have never been pregnant, you will be amazed at the many things you never knew about pregnancy)

Doctors were amazed at how well I was doing, I was amazed too, but in a way I had trusted my body throughout the whole pregnancy. I just could not imagine that anything would go wrong, and I was even joking that my baby will take his time and be born late (Like I was at 41+5).
Boy was I right :(...

I wanted an all natural vaginal birth, and at 41 weeks I still was not in labor. I had been having contractions since week 36, but even though they were really frequent, they always stopped after a few hours. At some point I was so annoyed with it I just started ignoring them. I had them everywhere...downtown San Diego, at the mall, at the beach, but no baby.
My doctor tried to stimulate natural contractions but it never turned into labor. I then requested to had an NST done (where they make sure the baby is okay by measuring amniotic fluid and heart beat).

According to the doctors calculations I was 41+6 weeks, according to mine and my last menstrual period, I was further and that is why I wanted to make sure all is okay.

everything is different

I have been gone for about a year, there was too much going on to blog or make videos. BUT I want to continue documenting because truly this journey is getting pretty interesting.

Have you ever wanted to just totally turn your life around? Go the other direction?

Well, I did just that...with the speed of light. I went from a bad life to a good life, I left everything behind.

When I got sick, a half year before I started this blog, I was in a bad marriage, unhappy with my life and wanting to get out. I detached myself from my unfaithful, controlling, aggressive Ex of whom I had tired long time ago and focused on my illness and getting better. While still in New York, things had already started looking brighter, I had made friends, got a new hobby, I got out a lot...

Some things happen when least expected, right? In May 2010, I fell in love with my online friend of 2 1/2 years. One day we were chatting on MSN like always and the next we were in love. We had "met" in 2007 when I gave him some hair care advice on the Longhair Community Forums. We always had literally everything in common but because of circumstances remained friends. I was also rather distant, but undeniably there was always something more going on between us. I know that in the back of my heart I had feelings for him and so did he.

Anyhow, we felt we had been apart for way too long and so I decided to pack up and move to San Diego!

I left almost everything in New York, because when I went back to the apartment to get some things (My Ex still lived at the old apartment and I had left many things there not wanting to deal with him), my Ex was causing so many problems, I just put a few things into storage, grabbed 4 suitcases, my dog and my bunny and ran. And I did all this secretly when he was working overtime for two days....by the time he came home I was ready to board my plane.

I flew over Chicago, to San Diego. When I got off the plane I saw my boyfriend for the first time in real life. It was pretty much like in a movie, we kissed, we were overjoyed and did not feel the slightest bit weird.
We had plans for our future life already too, we wanted to save up money in San Diego, so we could move wherever we want, a really nice place and raise a family.

I started applying for Jobs (Bilingual Administrative Assistant) immediately. Granted, I still did not feel great after my surgery, and had even started bleeding again, but I thought it would pass.

But it didn't, I had abdominal pains, I felt dizzy, my stomach was bloated and I had flu like symptoms.
I thought I must have caught a stomach virus.
Then it so happened that I missed my period...., my first thought was that my cycle might just be weird because of the surgery and bleeding, but my cycle had never been irregular either. We bought a pregnancy test, I tested twice and instead of a plus I got a vertical line, which still means  -  pregnant.

I was really shocked at first, and worried. Mostly because I was thinking of all my "health issues" (I don't feel ill) and how they could complicate pregnancy. Also, having had surgery on my cervix, the pregnancy was at risk.

As shocked and scared as were were, we were also really happy. Even if unplanned, it is a very special feeling when you learn you are pregnant with a tiny tiny life, that will grow into your very own beloved baby.